Freecycle it

I heart Freecycle.

It’s great...in theory.

In reality I have never given or received anything on it but the email listings keep me entertained if nothing else and who knows, one day that Hello Kitty electric guitar I want so much may just appear.

So here are my favourite latest offered items from freecyle (saving the best for last):

10. Sachet of Ovaltine drinking chocolate.

9. Small Dog Coat (pink puffer)

8. Rectangular block of Polystyrene 47 x 22 x 121 cms

7. Spotters guide to rocks and minerals

6. Empty Roses tin 9.25” Diameter 4” High

5. Plastic lids (assorted) from shampoo bottles

4. Wood from raised bed

3. With the bronze award - Bags of hardcore

2. With the silver award - Slimfast Strawberry flavour out of date – Have just found 2 tins at back of cupboard, dated 2003. Should I bin them?

1. WINNER - Marble Dome – for up to 4 players. Complete except for NO MARBLES.

Other people's kids

Tonight I am babysitting. It is a joy to babysit where there is wine and wireless internet.

I love kids and enjoy spending time with my friends sprogs but there are regular things that as a surrogate auntie I get subjected to.

Here are some of my favourite moments with other peoples kids:

1. Bathtime. Yes they want you to be there at bathtime because it's such a novelty having you around they don't want to miss your presence for more than 10 seconds. Bathtime involves perching on the toilet seat (lid down) and being interested in all the bath toys, getting your jeans soaked (hilarious), listening to nazgul style screams (enhanced by bathroom acoustics), singing bath-time songs, washing hair (they all hate this), followed by crying and exiting the bath. No bathtime is without some trauma - slipping, soapy eyes, floating poo...
   
   
2. Story time. I quite like story time, except when I am nominated to tell the story in the precence of a parent (or at worse both parents). One friend revels hearing the words 'I want auntie Jo to read my story'. Mom and Dad will then sit and listen. Are you sitting comfortably? ... Mid story I get told I'm not putting enough effort in and they snigger at my character voices, I don't need this kind of stress, life is hard enough already.
   
   
3. The bedtime/goodbye kiss. I dread the following words: "Go and say goodnight to Jo". This is the worst possible thing to ask a kid to do. You sit there awkwardly as the child says "NO!" or just runs away. Or sometimes they approach and you have to try and give them a cuddle or a kiss while they squirm about. An alternative is when the kid comes at you open mouthed and you get covered in slobber. And all this under the watchful gaze of the parents.

I guess I should thank my luck stars I don't have to do all these things every day.

The Dark Night

This week I went on a bat walk with a friend who works for the Bat Conservation Trust. We completed a waterways survey which was last done 10 years ago, previous to that it had been done yearly so it was about time for a re-count!

The bats we were counting were Daubenton's, known as the 'water bat' as they fish insects from the water's surface with their large feet or tail.

So here's the drill, starting 40 minutes after sunset. There are 10 set points along the route, at each point you stand by the water for 4 minutes, one of you holds the bat detector (set to approx 35kHz for Daubenton's) and the other one holds the timer and a torch. When you detect a bat coming you shine the torch on the water to see the bat fly across. Then you write down how many you see in the 4 minutes. 

We had good fun, when we arrived it was still light and so we saw loads of Pippistrelles bats, it's cool when you're holding the detector and you hear when they're coming close. It was quite spooky wandering down a woody path in the dark and I kept on having to put various scary thoughts out of my mind. As well as the bats we heard an owl, saw loads of geese, some night fishermen and we startled a swan by shining a torch at it when it was minding its business on the water. 

I forget how much I enjoy being out in nature, it makes me ridiculously happy.

Title: enter something witty here

I love Facebook, it's well designed, hugely popular and certain types talk about it with contempt (which is always a good thing).  I've lost count of how many times I've had to defend it, the non-believers listening to my praise with scepticism. But...it is true that Facebook has had a hugely positive effect on the social activities of my local circle of friends. 

I was pondering over the different ways people manage their friends list, some would never dare delete a friend (it's ok, they don't get notified!) and others who do regular culling.  I reckon most people end up with an odd mix of contacts, here are some friend definitions that may ring a bell *insert disclaimer here* :

The 24 hour presence

They seem to know everything about everyone, comment on everyone's pictures and don't miss a trick. Likely to have a job which allows them to be logged in all day (you can't see it but I'm holding my hands up to the latter).

The dramatic status updater

An attention seeker who regularly changes their relationship and sexuality status, this person would rather be talked about than not talked about. And why not, they make facebook fun.

The old school 'friend'

So you hated this person at school and they were mean to you. You're friends with this person because either you're too scared to refuse or you want to stick two fingers up at them by showing them your attractive partner, perfect kids/life/facelift etc.

The ex

This is awkward, if you're still friends then why not be friends on facebook? I'll tell you why, you really don't want to know their daily motions, if you did you'd still be together.

The never updater

I mean - why bother?

The inner circle

Likely to leave cryptic messages on your wall referencing real conversations you had because you actually see this person in the flesh. 

The fan

Seems to spend unhealthy amounts of time reading the crap you actually put on your profile with interest so they have something to talk to you about.

The non-friends

You want to be their friend because you think they're cool but you're too scared in case they reject you - come on admit it, there must be someone.

Love it or hate it Facebook is a hit (until the next best thing at least) and if you want to be in the loop - or want to criticise it - you gotta get in on it first.

One thing to change the world

I was at the pub with some friends last night and we all suggested one thing which we would like to do to change the world. Here are some snippets:

• Kill all bumblebees - apparently bees becoming extinct would mean the world would end in 4 years. It seems there would be no food left if things went unpollinated by our humble bumble bee. Notably a particularly evil world changing idea.
• Make natural resources free - Our fear was that everyone would start going into the shed making business (you had to be there).
• Have a scheme where you can occupy someone else's body/mind for a week and start to understand what motivates other people - anyone remember that Red Dwarf Bodyswap episode? Genius.
• Put something in the water which makes people want to forgive each other - like fluoride for the soul.
• Make women's football more popular than men's football in the UK - the boys were well in favour of this.
• Render any weapon of war useless when in the hands of someone about to kill - world wars would be decided by boxing matches between people with huge artificially enhanced arms.
• World wide wealth re-distribution every 7 years - so the rich don't just get richer and the poor don't stay poor.

Any more suggestions in the comments box please....

News Flash - French women don't suffer pms (AS IF!)

I was chatting with some friends at work about PMS the other week.  One of my friends is French and she swears she never heard of this in France.

I can not believe there is no pms in France so my only conclusion is that they either don’t have a term for it or they never talk about it.

We assured her that she **does** suffer from this and we would make a note of her moods and let her know when we think she was suffering so she could confirm our suspicions (after the event of course to ensure a rational response) - note this is how girls lose friends in a day.

Anyway I did some googling and came across a few songs written about said subject, I though I would share some snippets with you:

Parton Dolly, PMS Blues
You don't want to cross my path
Cause a pitbull ain't no match
For these teeth a clenchin', fluid retention
Head a swellin', can't stop yellin'
Got no patience, I'm so hateful
PMS blues, premenstrual syndrome
Got those moods a swingin', tears a slingin'
Nothin' fits me when it hits me
Rantin', ravin', misbehavin'
PMS blues

Mary J. Blige, PMS
Today I'm not feelin pretty
See I'm feeling quite ugly
Havin one of this days
When I cant make up my mind
So don't even look at me

Lunachicks, @#%! (PMS)
I don't like it : PMS
But I got it : PMS
Every month it's: PMS
Gimme a heat pack : PMS
Got any Advil?
Got any chocolate?
I need good @#%!

Twitter ye not

There is a pressure when twittering to appear to be 'funny' to your friends & 'intellectual' to your work colleagues. It also helps to not appear to be a saddo and to be actually *having* a life but not so much of a life that will raise your boss' eyebrow or the vicar or whoever else might happen upon your facebook page. It's all just too much.

Many a time I start writing a twitter only to discard it. Why? They are all as mundane as each other, I can only put it down to a complex fear of rejection. These twitters languish in the drafts folder of my mobile phone. I thought I'd let them breathe here and will add to them, compare these with my actual twitters (eyes right) and it's hard to spot the difference.

"howard moon colon explorer. i love the boosh"

"Just been to shakeaway with @rachelnunson. I went for after eight & crunchie. Yum"

"bedtime reading. the complete letters of oscar wilde"

"Amazed to see a guy standing right next to a bin decide to shove his rubbish in a bush"

"ha ha. spotted some guy on the tube studying his prince2 course manual. must be his first day"

"Woah, a new bus stop has appeared on exhibition road. Long time coming"

"Just set the smoke alarms off for the first time in the new flat. Did you hear them?"